Summertime Sadness

Many say summer is over.

 

Well, not quite. I have to say this is the saddest part of the summer, the end. We still about 2 weeks left of summer; school is in session and we no longer that the freedom that comes with the summer. We become more restricted to schedules because of meetings, events, and classes.

 

In retrospect, this was by far my most memorable and amazing summer that I have had, at least since the carefree days of my childhood. I tried many new things and I have been to new places and been on some crazy adventures, most of all I have met some wonderful and memorable people. There are just some many things that I do not know if I would be able to mention everything.

 

This summer I participated in the McNair Scholars Program at Central Michigan University, and it was hard, time consuming, made me doubt myself (intellectually and physically). But it was so worth it. It has been amazing. I pushed myself passed my boundaries. This experience has showed me the value of managing time better. At the beginning of the summer I attended a boot camp in Kentucky and that was a long week, but it was packed full of valuable information, southern food, and lots of laughter, but most of all adventures. Of course while we were there we had to try some “real” BBQ.

 

 

I was sure that I wanted to pursue an MD/PhD at the beginning of the summer, but through searching schools and working with patients, I have realized that the patient care is my primary interest. Don’t get me wrong, I love the research to, but I think that at this moment, I just was to do the MD or the DO t start, and if I decide later on I will pursue the PhD.

 

Throughout the summer, between working and research, I worked out with my McNair “peeps” at Seung-Ni and also did yoga. There were some sessions at Seung-Ni were I felt the burn, and really made me want to quit, but with the encouragement, I was about to continue. And in yoga, I have really increased my flexibility and can do some poses that I was not able to do before. Also yoga has changed my ability to relax and calm, which has become useful, especially on stressful days. All in preparation for the Color Run, this lives up to its motto, The Happiest 5K on Planet Earth. I have run dozens, if not hundreds of races, and that by far was the best. There is something refreshing about not trying to compete or a time and just having fun.

 

Other new things I tried was kayaking, which is fun, but I found that near the end of the trip, I got to the point; I just wanted to be done. But I also tried tubing, “college-style,” apparently. But it was fun, but to an extent, a 3 hour trip turned into a 5 hour trip, and being the only sober one has some limitations. But I was able to hang out with my friends whom I have not hung out with in a while, because we all always busy.

 

This summer I also worked at the hospital and the med school. Not only did I learn more about healthcare and medicine, the nurses have taught me a lot about life. They are always willing to give advice. They are also not afraid to share. They have taught me a lot about things I need to keep in mind when I become a doctor; be nice to the nurses, listen, be caring and personable, and be able and willing to explain why.

 

This was a summer for the record books. It was mainly about getting done to business, but I still managed to have some fun and try new things. The summer was amazing and memorable, but now that is t nearing the end, it is sad.

Mettle

There have been several instances in my life in which my “mettle” has been tested. I had to grow up fast. To begin with the first instance, it requires a little bit of background knowledge. I will begin with painting a picture of my past: some may or may not know I was paternally adopted shortly after I was born. To sum things up, my biological father felt that at the time he was not at a point in his life where he could raise and support a child, so he gave up his paternal rights. So my “adopted father” stepped in and took that responsibility. He and my mother married when I was 5 months old and he legally became my guardian when I was 8 months old. When I was 23 months old my little sister came into this wide and bright eyed. My mother and him divorced around the time I turned 6. I had to watch the number of relationships he went through as the years passed.

When I was about 8-9 I had to grow up fast. My mother and him had join custody, and in the summer we would spend equal times at the other. During the summer, I had to step up and grow up quick. I do not know exactly where he was or would go, but I had to babysit my younger sister and make sure that we both ate. In my opinion, and 8 year old should not be operating a stove, but I learned quick. I became a master at preparing mac and cheese and ramen noodles. It may not have been the healthiest meals, but hey it was better than nothing. When we were at my mom’s we would be at daycare or at a family’s. I helped to raise my sister, and it was hard on me but I think it made me realize some of the harsh cruelties of the real world and also it taught me a lot of valuable skills. With this situation I had to step up to take action.

The next time my mettle has been tested was senior year of high school, when I got a terrible phone call when waves crashed in on me and left me gasping for air and clarity. One of my closest friends from middle school, Tabi,  we drifted apart when we started high school, mainly because I moved, but we still would call and write to each other periodically. I received the phone call September 20, 2009 at about 1:00 in the afternoon when my life was forever altered. I got the call from another friend, Autumn, that Tabi had passed away from injuries sustained in a car accident the day before. The days that followed were a haze and surreal. When that Thursday, the day of the funeral, it hit me in all the chaos, I had lost one of my dearest friends. I miss her more than anything, and no one will ever be able to replace her, but each day I become a stronger person and I know that she is keeping an eye on me.

The most recent time in which my mettle has been tested has been with this McNair experience. This has pushed in so many more ways than I had anticipated. It has pushed me emotionally, educationally, physically, among others. There have been more times this summer that I have questioned and doubted myself, than I ever have before. But I have made some amazing friends who supports me, but also know exactly what I am going through, and it is people like them who will help me make my way through all of my education.

Inflammation

There are many things that are chronic or inflamed in my life.

 

I always feel as though I have to be perfect, even though I know it is an impossible task.

I always want to please people, and it has become to the point that I struggle trying to figure out who I am as a person, because I want to make everyone happy. I need to realize that life is hard and not everyone will agree with your decisions, but if they care about you, they will respect them.

Another thing inflamed is the constant struggle trying to find autonomy from my parents.

I get easily distracted by music, movies, books, people, and tv.

The constant fear of being rejected or judged.

Being assertive. I am terrible at it, but in the last few weeks I thinks I am getting better at it. It is hard, but it is a learning process.  

Fear of failure. I am always worried that I will fail at what I am trying to do. Am I good enough? Do I have what is takes? What happens if I am not good enough? Do I have a back-up plan?

 

I have many things that are inflamed in my life, but I working to improve them, so I can improve my well-being and sanity.

Who I am Today

I have encountered lots of people and lots of experiences that have influenced who I am today. Some of the main experience that has had an influence on me has been moving. I have moved around a lot in my life, I have gone to countless schools and met many people. With moving around I learned how to adapt to new situations. But it has also hindered me. I moved so much that making friends became difficult because I would just shut down and climb into my introverted shell and avoided people. I never knew how long I would be somewhere so eventually tried not to get close to anyone. As I have gotten older I have had a much harder time, I have become so introverted that at times people think I don’t like them. Moving has been both good and bad for me.  Another experience that has influenced my life was the death of one of my best friends. I am really trying to not let it define me, but there have been so many people that I have known my age that I was close with that died. I really strive to try new things, but again I am hesitant when making friends, because I want to avoid getting hurt.

 

Some of the people that I have met that have had an influence on my life would my stepdad Jamie. He and my mom married when I was 9. HE has taught me a lot. He has taught a lot about sports, tools & repairs, and about life. My mom has taught me how to work hard and to be independent. Both my mom and my stepdad made a point to teach my sisters and I how to use tools, so we would have a knowledge how to use them and fix things. Many people underestimate my knowledge, but I can prove them wrong, I am not like other girls. My adopted father has had a major impact on my life, for the worse. Because of him, who I will not name, I find it very hard to trust people. He was not around much, and even when he was, he wasn’t. Many times my sister and I would be left at his newest girlfriend’s or fiancé’s house to fend for ourselves, and because of that I learned to be independent at a young age. I was taking care of my younger sister from the time I was eight which meant I learned to cook.  I was lied to an let down many times, and I have learned to be cautious and be my own person, free from his bad choices, lies, and disappointments.

Friends who have had an impact on my life have been Nicole, Megan, Tabi, and Tyler. Tabi had an infectious smile and personality. She was one of my first best friends and could always make me smile. Nicole took me under her wing when I started high school, and helped me cope with the move. She is two years older than I and when she graduated high school I had a rough time. She is now stationed in North Carolina and I still speak with her regularly but I only get to see her once maybe twice a year. Megan has been my friend and roommate since freshman year. With her I can be my goofy, obnoxious self. Tyler, where do I begin? We are friends now but we did date for a time. He has taught me a lot about relationships and people, and about myself. With him, I do not have to worry about him judging me or looking down on me because of something I do.

 

Teachers who have had an influence on me would be Mr. Brunk, and Mr. Robinson. Both coincidently are science teachers and cross country coaches. But neither were my coach, although I looked to them more than my coach. They have both had influence because they sparked an interest in science. They both have provided me with invaluable advice.

 

Through the many experiences and the people I have met, I have had a lot of influence on my life that made me who I am today. Both the good and the bad have med me who I am today.  Although sometimes I wish I could change some things, it has made me the strong, independent young woman that I am today.

Happiness

I have contemplated what makes me happy a lot this week. But I find it difficult to interpret. I have things, I think that make me happy, but at the same time, have I ever really been happy? Happiness is very subjective and I find it hard to find a way to quantify that. The things I feel like I may happy with include:

- Friends

- Family

- Learning

- Traveling

- Baking/Grilling/Cooking

- Music (especially Bruno Mars, and Linkin Park)

- Practicing yoga

- Running

- Dancing

- Reading

Each of these things I feel are things that make me happy in moderation. But too much of something can be unpleasant as well. The bottom six are outlets for me to find my inner thoughts and ideas. There is not much that really makes me 100% happy, so it is hard to come up with really good things.

THINK BIG

I was reading Gifted Hands by Ben Carson and he brings up this idea of THINK BIG. He actually goes more in depth with is in another book called Think Big: Unleashing your Potential for Excellence.

THINK BIG 

By: Ben Carson

T=Talent

Learn to recognize and accept your God-given talents (and we all have them). Develop those talents and use them in the career you choose. Remembering T for talent puts you far ahead of the game if you take advantage of what God gives you.

T also=Time

Learn the importance of time. When you are always on time, people can depend on you. You prove your trustworthiness. Learn not to waste time, because time is money and time is effort. Time usage is also a talent. God gives some people the ability to manage time. The rest of us have to learn how. And we can!

H=Hope

Don’t go around with a long face, expecting something bad to happen. Anticipate good things; watch for them.

H also=Honesty

When you do anything dishonest, you must do something else dishonest to cover it up, and your life becomes hopelessly complex. The same with telling lies. If you’re honest you don’t have to remember what you said the last time. Speaking the truth makes life amazingly simple.

 I=Insight

Listen and learn from people who have already been where you want to go. Benefit from their mistakes instead of repeating them. Read good books like the Bible because they open up new worlds of understanding.

 N=Nice

Be nice to people-all people. If you’re nice to people they’ll be nice to you. It takes much less energy to be nice than it does to be mean. Being kind, friendly, and helpful takes less energy and relieves much of the pressure.

 K=Knowledge

Knowledge is the key to independent living, the key to all your dreams, hopes, and aspirations. If you are knowledgeable, particularly more knowledgeable than anybody else in the field, you become invaluable and write your own ticket.

 B=Books

I emphasize that active learning from reading is better than passive learning such as listening to lectures or watching television. When you read, your mind must work by taking in letters and connecting them to form words. Words make themselves into thoughts and concepts. Developing good reading habits is something like being a champion weightlifter. The champion didn’t go into the gym one day and start lifting 50o pounds. He toned his muscles, beginning with lighter weights always building up, preparing for more. It’s the same thing with intellectual feats. We develop our minds by reading, by thinking, by figuring out things for ourselves.

 I=In-Depth Learning

Superficial learners cram for exams but know nothing two weeks later. In-depth learners find that the acquired knowledge becomes a part of them. They understand more about themselves and their world. They keep building on prior understanding by piling on new information.

 G=God

Never get too big for God. Never drop God out of your life.

I feel that this way of thought is a good thing to live by, something to aspire to to be successful. I feel that success cannot be measured by money, material things, and awards. Success is the ability to adapt and be flexible for whatever life throws at you. Success is a feeling and it varies from person to person. Success is overcoming obstacles, doubts, and your own fear. To be successful, one must consider the aspects of THINK BIG and live by them (or at least most of them). Be open to change and greet it with enthusiasm.

My aha moment...

While in the deep woods of western Kentucky….surrounded by nature, water, and bugs, and lack of technology I had lots of time to reflect on my past, present, and future. IT was kind of nice to escape from the world of modern technology, but after a few days, I couldn’t handle it any more.

Camp had its ups and downs. I had some moments when I thought, “Why am I going to put myself through this?” “How am I going to afford this?” “Am I good enough?” But with some of the sessions, I realized that I am not alone in my thoughts. McNair has given me a sense of security and comfort. I have a support system and each person is going through similar things, and it helps put me at ease to know that people will be there when I need them, as I will be there for them.

I have decent grades. They are not great, but they are not terrible by any means. One of my biggest worries is that. But in Maureen’s session she showed many scholars who had less than stellar gpas that still made it into grad school and even got fully funded. It helped me be a little more comfortable with the facts. I am still going to be trying my best to finish off strong.

Another thing I learned was that a test, such as the GRE, does not define you and cannot clearly measure you ability to succeed in grad school and in your future. I have never been good at standardized tests, and that is one of my biggest fears, because for medical school I need the MCAT, and I need to get decent scores. But at the same time, I know that I cannot let this test define me and take over.

Have some time to think about my future, I realized that this is what I want to do. I will get my MD, but whether I get my PhD, I have not figured that out. There are just so many options I can pursue. I do however know I will continue my education and I will do whatever fascinates me.

For my aha moment, I came to the realization that I am special, I am me. I have come farther in my short time on earth, and anyone in my family, and I will continue to path the way into the unknown. My family may never understand completely what I am doing and why, but I know that they will support me regardless. I am, but then I am not alone in this journey.